Ah Marcy. Marcy, Marcy, Marcy. I warned you. I fucking warned you, so don't dare say I didn't.

This wonderful picture *cough - evidence for blackmail* is of my friend Marc. In this underwear. With his finger in his boxers. The scary thing about this picture, is that I was behind the camera. Also in my underwear. It was one of those, what happened in this room, stays in the room moments.

Life for Marc started out on a small dairy farm in central Luxembourg, where he would frolic gayly in the afternoon sun with his pet duck, spanky. It didn't, of course it didn't. He just tells people it did. You see, this is the kind of person Marc is. He tells people random stuff like that just to make them laugh. He's always been a bit of a comedian. In the same way that Stephen Hawkins has always been a bit of a diva when it comes to parkuor.

I just want to make a not here. From this point on, everything I say is completely factual. I'm not even fucking kidding. Sometimes I wish I was. Because then that would mean that my friendship with Marc was a normal one. It takes writing it all down to realise just what a complete tool/legend he is.

I first met Marc in a branch of Costa Coffee. He was one of the first people I met when I moved to the oh so lovely city of Leicester. Where people greet new members of the community with fists and burning torches. However, Marc didn't have a burning torch. What he did bring with him was a wallet. An empty one.
So, brand new city, brand new friends, on a brand Saturday afternoon. And as you can imagine, this place is PACKED. Not a single fucking place to sit. People have resorted to sitting on each other's laps at this point. Anyway, we all smoke, so we want a seat outside. Marc, maybe with an intention of impressing his new found friend, simple says "I'll sort it" with a glint in his eye, that I would come to learn means that he is about to do something that people get arrested for.
Marc walks outside to a table of two eighty year old ladies sat there chatting away about knitting. Marc stands 2 feet away from them and lets out this impressively deep and loud whale sound, which he maintains for a good 60 seconds. The old women, understandably scared by this maniac that seems to want to ear-rape them, run off. Marc simply sits down, looks at us through the window and gives us the thumbs up.

Holy fuck, I wish this was fiction.

Fast forward a few months. Marc and I are fond friends. I mean, how the fuck are you not going to be friends with someone who makes that much effort?
Quite shortly after the above picture (evidence) was taken, Marc is laying on the floor of my bedroom chatting away to his then girlfriend. The conversation has ended, and they start doing that annoying "no you hang up" thing. I really want to punch people who do that. It's a fucking phone call. One of you just hang the fucking thing up. So this has now been going on for a good 5 minutes and I'm getting annoyed. So I creep over, straddle the back of his head, and let out a little windy-pop. As far as I can tell, he hasn't spoken to her since.
A bit harsh, you might say, but at least it ended the fucking phone call though.

One more story for the road I hear you say? Ah, well, you've twisted my arm.

The scene, a cancer benefit gig. One of our Chase the Season gigs in fact. This place is full. Full of people there supporting the cause, people who have had cancer, people who have cancer, and people who know people who have cancer. It's an incredibly emotional place, full of people telling their gut-wrenching stories of survival and loses. Marc, at this point, has decided, quite rightly I might add, that he'd like to be part of the stand-up scene, and so, we ask him if he'd like to be our support at the gig.
Maybe we should have realised what was coming.
About 20 minutes into his set, Marc sees a bloke standing at the front of the crowd, with a bald head (for obvious reasons).
Marc says, bold as brass. "alright Lex Luthor? How's that battle with Superman going"?
Wow, that's about a close to the knuckle as it gets. I'll never forget that moment. It. Was. Epic.

Listen, the way I've painted it, is that Marc is a reckless, penniless hillbilly with less brain cells that one of Kerry Katona's breasts.
In truth, I have never seen someone with more to be proud of than Marc. Never has someone been so low on lives imaginary ladder, only to turn it all around. And the best thing? He has no one to thank for it but himself.
Yes, he can be annoying, mental, a little tapped, stupid, no common sense at times, but fuck me, I'm proud of him.

I know that this hasn't been as funny as my last few posts, but this has been more of an honour for one of my dear friends. Anyway, I'm not the dick reading this shit, I just write it.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found comparing 'Chips' to 'Putting Stuff Up Your Bum'

If you’ve read my blog before now, you’ll find that the one thing that is contant throughout is the fact that I seem to think it’s funny to take the piss out of people. And believe me, people message me saying that they want to hurt me in the joy department because of a few lines I’ve written about them.
Considering that this blog is going to be about my best friend, you’d maybe think that this one would be different. Well, to set the mood, I’ll start with a simple line.

Chopper is so far in the closet, not only is he in Narnia, but he’s probably rimming Aslan.

There, mood set.

You see, people I have written about before have been friends. The fundamental mistake made is the fact that he’s my best friend. This means that I can rape him with words, although, he’s probably going to like it, beg for more, and then end up on the street selling his body for food vouchers or something.

So let’s begin. Let’s start with that nickname. Chopper.
In the Urban Dictionary, ‘Chopper’ is desribed as ‘British slang for a man's tummy banana’. Now, ‘tummy banana’ is a new one to me, however, I shall certainly try to fit it in while talking to clients at work. It actually came from his uncanny ability to play drums on a chopping board, however, we used to tell people that he killed an indiscriminate number of men (usually 16 or 17) in certain ways that screamed of homosexuality. It was usually down to a sexually charged choking, or something along those lines, but still Chopper never really caught on to what we were doing. The funniest thing about it is that there are people today who only know him as Chopper, and have no idea what his real name is. Oh, and the fact that his mum calls him Chopper as well. So there we go ‘Mr Tummy Banana’, your mum calls you a penis. According to the Urban Dictionary anyway.

I feel this is going well……

This is quoted whilst playing Mortal Kombat 2011 with our friend Kieran.
“I’ll check it when I get home, but last time I checked, I was Number 1 in the Midlands for Mortal Kombat”
Bullshit.
When Chopper’s breath doesn’t smell like cock, it smells like bullshit. He does this all the time, to the point where I’ve taken to shouting ‘BULLSHIT’ at him whenever I suspect him of exaggerating a story. As far as I’m aware, he’s very nearly a trained rally driver. And after that brief and heated one night stand, he’s still ignoring Britney Spears’ calls. I bet she must really like bananas.

And so, I come to conclude this hurling of abuse at one of the people who have stood by me all these years, with his biggest flaw.
Women.

Chopper has absolute horrible luck in women. Or horrible taste depending on how well you know him. As long as I’ve known him (3 or 4 years) he’s had 2 girlfriends. Let’s say 3 girlfriends. You’ll see why in a second.

Firstly there was Sarah. A small quiet mouse of a girl who was as interesting as a paper sandwich. Seriously, this girl could remain dead-faced through a fucking holocaust. She had the same emotion as a guppey. Chopper, at the time was beside himself with her. I think because I was the first sex he’d had in a long time, and I guess that ever sex with a cardboard box was better than no sex.

Second, there was Leafy. Wow. Just wow. I imagine that a lonely hearts ad for her would read like this:

Female (roughly) WLTM male
for good times and occasional
sacrificial ceremonies. Must be
able to take a good punch.
GSOH essential.

She was a very good match to Chopper. In the same way that chips are a good match for putting tic-tacs up your bum. She would moan about absolutely everything. Life wasn’t great, her job was unfair, the sky was the wrong colour, Chopper slept with men, her fists hurt after a long day of punching people for no reason, etc, etc. Then she decided that words just weren’t enough and started to hit Chopper. So he left. And boy, did she moan about that……..

And so, we come to the third woman in Chopper’s life, his Mum.
Now the usual thing to do here in spectacular fashion is to insert a Mum joke. Er, not this time. I have to be careful what I say here, because she’ll hurt me. His Mum still has an air of seeing Chopper as a small boy. To explain this well, here’s an example. Chopper is 22 and is in a band. This means that very often gigs will go on past midnight. I can gaurantee that when this happens, she’ll be on the phone to him, telling him to get home. It’s like he’s 12 and has a curfew. Now fair point, he still lives with his parents, which dare I say it, I wish I did at times, but a 22 year old male needs a level of privacy and freedom that you don’t when you’re 12. You know, because you masturbate a lot more when you’re single and 22, and that’s a little bit of a risky mission when you share a bedroom with your younger brother.

Now as ever, please, please, please don’t take this as a belittling session to anyone. Chopper is a fantastic, dear and annoying friend of mine who has stuck by me for years, and I respect and love him no matter what his situation is with women or at home.

He’s still a complete twat though. He once out-gayyed a gay guy at gay chicken. And that’s a lot of gay.

And he’s got an iPhone. ‘Nuff said.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found with a potty mouth. A very potty mouth. Naughty.

So, I know that my last update was only yesterday, but I want to keep on top of this Blog thing. People seem to like it, so I've decided that I'm going to update it when I feel like there's something funny to say.
It's going to be sporadic. For two reasons. One, it keeps you guys on your toes, and two, I like the word sporadic.

So I found this application on Facebook that searches through your previous statuses that contain some kind of swear word. I never realised just how much I swear in life. Thank god I don't work in a nursery or a school.

So here is a selection of my favorite ones from the last year or so:

- Jul 12, 2011
I kinda like the fact that my girlfriend seems to be updating my status more than I do. You know, when she's not telling the world I love cock or something like that. xox

- Jun 4, 2011
Munching on some black cock. Epic saturday night! Xox

- May 31, 2011
Fuck you Royal Mail. Just, Fuck You.

- May 27, 2011
LOVES COCK <3 Xox

- May 16, 2011
Epic dinner.. MASSIVE JUICY COCK ;D xox

- May 8, 2011
MMMMMMMM BLACK COCK ;)

- May 3, 2011
Well, i've fucked that good and proper. Xox

- Apr 7, 2011
Fuck. Me. Sideways. Xox

- Mar 16, 2011
Plusnet, you literally suck balls. I've never known an internet provider who gets paid to sit around all day and finger their own arses. Dick splash.

- Mar 8, 2011
Friday, is fucking miles away :( xox

- Feb 27, 2011
Starting to see in 8-bit. Damn you Minecraft.

- Feb 4, 2011
Mm hard cock.

- Jan 7, 2011
Note to self: Must stop being an arrogant dickhead. Oh, and buy milk tomorrow.

- Jan 6, 2011
My brain and I are no longer talking, on account that the bastard keeps making shit up and then convincing me it's true.

- Dec 31, 2010
fuck fuckity fuck

- Dec 18, 2010
Fuck you ring of fire. Fuck you big time. :) xox

- Dec 7, 2010
Ok, so my phone resembles Sadam Hussain right now.......it's fucked. Email me on here if you need me. xox

- Nov 29, 2010
Shutter Island = Massive mindfuck. Who the fuck do I speak to to get the last 2 hours of my life back? xox

- Nov 22, 2010
Kieran to me: "I'd punch you in the dick if I could see it through all that hair. By that, I mean the hair on your head. Wait.....That sounded way better in my head. Can I start again?"

- Nov 15, 2010
Dear technology, please stop being a fuck nut, you're ruining my phone calls. Xox

- Nov 10, 2010
"working here is like swimming uphill through shit.............with broken legs" xox
- Oct 4, 2010 why does my bedroom smell like bacon? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I just want to find the source so I can eat it.............or fuck it............ xox

- Sep 26, 2010
"I drop the pencil on the floor, she bends down and shows me more" Oh Busted, it kills me to like you, but you do make me giggle. Fuck you facebook. Don't judge me :D xox

- May 17, 2010
became a fan of "I'd happily swap my workload for the average uni student's, the moaning, too much money, too much time, I'm so stressed because I have three weeks of exams, yeah I am spending your taxes on an iphone cos I'm cool, hot pocket eating bastards" page with 11 million others.

- Jan 6, 2010
Really? What, every fucking status? Sweet baby jesus on a pogo stick.

- Dec 28, 2009
sorry to say it........ but I fucking hate Kei$ha. I know people will not like that view, but its the internet. The largest global free speech tool ever. :)

- Dec 4, 2009
Yep, thats pretty much how long my 'list of things to do' list is. I could probably shorten it by taking things like 'steal a donkey' and 'shit on a pigeon' off it..............

- Oct 4, 2009
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too? knobjockeys.......

- Sep 29, 2009
for shits and giggles? what the fuck? does that mean you giggle when you shit....... or......... shit when you giggle? either way, you need a fucking doctor

- Sep 14, 2009
hates that fucking turkey...........

I love swearing by the way, it's a fantastic way to convey emotion through a few simple words. Saying "fuck" just holds so much more power than "fiddlesticks".

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found liking cock. If my Facebook page is anything to go by

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. So, my monthly blog hasn't really turned out that way. I think the last one was October 2010. So treating that fact like the insane itch on my joy department, we're going to ignore that fact and hope it goes away.

If any of you scary scary people who follow me (I'm looking at you Chris) have been on my Facebook profile, apart from the lack of any real interaction with people (seriously, I'm the worst person on a social network site. There is nothing social or network about my Facebook page) you'll notice some of my statuses (is that a real word? is a stati? fuck knows) have been a little strange over the last few months.

I'll copy and paste some examples:

"Just came all over a homeless guy. It was the best thing ive ever experienced ;P xox"

"Munching on some black cock. Epic saturday night! Xox"

"Looking forward to a night of bum sex...."

"Epic dinner.. MASSIVE JUICY COCK ;D xox"

Soooooooo. Can anyone see a pattern emerging here? I'm not sure I see one for myself. The attacks just appear so......random.
Oh, don't worry loyal readers. I know who's behind these attacks.



THE SUSPECT!
(Please note how
sinister she looks)










HERE SHE IS AGAIN!
(Note the clever use
of black and white to
blend into the background)






Yes, dear, dear readers, this is my girlfriend.

You see, I have a very annoying habit. it plagues me with every site that I sign up to. It's that little fucking box that promises ease of access by saving your password and username, so you don't have to type it in everytime.
Usually, this isn't a problem for most people. However, combine that with the habit of leaving my phone pretty much anywhere for long periods of time, and the fact that my girlfriend finds this act of "facebook-rape" highly amusing, and you can see that this happens on a regular basis.
Now, when I say that she finds this act highly amusing, I know alot of you are thinking, yeah, she probably giggles for a bit at my face when I find the afoementioned rape.
NOPE.
What the joker does, is rape my Facebook when I'm not in the room, usually using my phone, then leaves it in exactly the same place I put it, and then doesn't say anything. FOR A GOOD HOUR OR SO. You know, just enough time for plenty of people to find it and comment on it.
Then the sly little vixen will cuddle up to me, be all loving, and then whisper those immotal words:

"Love your Facebook status"

These 4 simple words are a substitute for:

"Everone thinks you're gay/kinky/homophobic/sick/mental/pervertish/etc"

Only then does the laughing start. And the thing is, is that she's gotten good at this. She knows how long I'm going to be out of the room, she knows when I least expect it, she even knows how long is best to leave it until she tells me!
She's like some kind of beautiful Facebook rape ninja.
And I'm not even sure how to act about that. A part of me is annoyed because I let it happen again and a part of me is a little turned on because of the sexy ninja part. It's a rollercoaster of emotion.

So there it is, a little insight into when I've been up to for the last 9 months. And by the way, please don't take this as me moaning about her in any way. I love her, and I love everything about her. She makes me laugh more than anyone else ever has. Plus she has epic breasts, but that's a story for another day.

"Complaining about the realism in Eastenders is like complaining that Monster Munch don't taste of Monsters"

P.s. I WILL keep up with this blog from now on. I promise. Sort of.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found eating everything in his fridge

Not everyone can really say that they have their own time to reflect on their life. This includes me. It's only when I sit down to write this blog that I realise what stupid decisions I've taken in life to get to this point.
Somehow, I'm still alive. It's really quite astonishing.

So this time, I thought I'd speak about the people in my life who put up with the stupid things I do, and how fantastic they are to stick around, even though I'm a twat at times.

To put it into perspective, my brain doesn't work like normal people's. I work on the crisp packet to apocolypse theory. Basically, down to someone dropping a crisp packet on the floor, and through several strange thought processes, I end up thinkinking it's the end of the world.
I once told a guy who tried to piss in my letter box that I was part of an elite sniper squad and if he tried any shit like that again, then me and my buddies would "take him out"....... Yep, I'm a twat.

Ok, so, five people in my life right now who make a difference.

1. My Sister!
Known her for.......wait, how old is she? 18? 19? I don't really know, but I've known her that long. I'm a rubbish brother to her to be honest with you. The last 2 of her boyfriends left her because they couldn't deal with me being around. When I say me being around, I met each of them once. I had a huge arguement with one of them, and the other I made cry because I thought it was funny he was ginger. In fact, my exact words to him were, "you shouldn't even have a girlfriend, ginger people shouldn't be allowed to breed". So yeah, your move ginger! To which he promptly started crying and left my sister the next day. Open mouth, insert foot.

2. Chopper!
Chopper is the drummer for Chase the Season. He is a really really really really good mate. Always there for me when I need him. And......I'm always there to ignore his advice, and do the opposite of whatever he tells me to do. He's a big lad too, he could easily punch me out with one hit (Then again, so could elmo if, you know, he wasn't fictional). Every time he give me advice on what to do, I go the complete different direction. It's becoming a bit of a joke actually. In fact, I think I might start to listen to him. Mainly because my ex girlfriend (who I took back for a 4th time, even though Chopper told me not to) stole my ipod when I broke up with her.
So yeah, listen to your friends peeps, or your ipod might go missing. I miss my ipod :(

3. Theo
Twat. Twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, Bassist in Chase the Season, twat.
yet again, another person who I'm suprised hasn't laid me out yet. If you read my previous blog, I mentioned about him making a girl cry when he tried to insert parts of himself into parts of her. He really really really didnt want me to write about that. Especially not to publish it on the internet. But I did anyway. And his sister got hold of it (I had no part in giving her the link whatsoever, ok maybe a little bit) and she showed all her mates. It's unbelievable how fast news like that travels. Theo, for everything I've done, and everything I will do in the future, I'm sorry, but also proud of. :)

4. Marc RAMster
Marc is awesome. Full stop. He may be a little misguided, but his hearts in the right place. We argue every now and then, but one thing I always know with Marc is that the love will never fade. :) The only guy I've ever taken pictures of wearing just boxers and he's taken some of me. True story. Pictures on my Facebook profile pictures. Take a look, they rock.
The one thing about Marc is that even though he's slightly lost in life, his heart is in the right place. Always has been, and always will be.
Which is probably why he wants to hurt me lots. He sends me texts about it. I'm still not entirely sure if he hates me, or is coming on to me though.

5. Amy or Amy MARY (Whatever)
This girl only came into my life recently. I met her at a gig, right after coming off stage. She's one of Theo's mates. Her first words to me were. "You're a dick". And knew we would be mates for a long time. My usual day goes like this. Wake up to alarm, hit snooze, wake up to second alarm, hit snooze, wake up to Amy texting me. It's a good wake up routine. The only girl I know who openly calls me a cunt and hits me in public. It's a sweet relationship we have........

So yeah, so there's the big 5.
Guys, if you read this, I love you all, and thanks for putting up with my crap for all the time you've known me. It must be hard for you guys not to stamp on my face everytime I open my mouth :)
Translation: Please don't stamp on my face when I open my mouth. Thank you :)

You are all dicks though.


FINAL THOUGHT! ARGH!

I had an argument with someone once about the sounds that animals made. I said that Iguana's bark. She said that iguana's didn't.
Next time you see an iguana in a pet shop, or next time you're in Peru, Pick it up and drop kick it.

They definately bark.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found having a few months off........

Yeah, by the way, I'm not dead.

Just thought I should start with that one. And I've also not exactly been busy either. To be honest with you, and I've tried looking at this from several different angles, and every time I come to the conclusion, it's that I've just been lazy.
(I'm a man, we do this. It's why we're no good at valentines day)

So I'm guessing that you'd all like to know what I've been up to? No? Well fuck you, if you're here and you don't want to know, then quite frankly, I'm suprised you figured out how to turn the computer on.

Chase the Season (The band I'm in) had it's first ever official headlining Gig! (Yay) It was AWE........(wait for it).........SOME! I say awesome for the most part to be honest. If you don't count the first band stopping halfway through a song, most of the people who turned up spending most of their time in the smoking area, a fight breaking out, a girl throwing up (got the wrong side of a few drinks) or when the final band were playing, there being only six people (three of which are Chase the Season), it was a pretty spectacular night.
Also, on the news tonight in regards to Chase the Season, Theo, our bassist (17) lost his virginity recently! So Yay for that too! Apparently the girl ran off and cried in another room straight afterwards, but hey, they could be Theo's 'thing'! You know, Ron Jeremy, HUGE WANG, Dirk Diggler, BEST AT SEX EVER, Theo Crew, MAKES GIRLS CRY. It could work. Maybe.

Oh, and before I forget, couple of quick thank yous, as I didn't get to thank everyone on the night. Alice, Lottie, Imogen, Jessica, Kate, Phillipa, and the rest of the girls, Leafy, Dale, Chopper, Theo, etc (If I've missed anyone, I'm sorry. If your name is here, I, and Chase the Season love you very very much, and thank you for the support. :D

Girly bit done.

So time for the final thought. (If people haven't read this before, I blabber on for a few more lines about complete crap. It's a really good space filler)

Over the last few days, I've had to write up all of the band's lyrics into one book, as they are all on separate sheets of paper, randomly scattered thoughout my house, and I thought it would be much better to have them all in one place. Bearing in mind, I've been writing since I was 13, there are lots of peices of paper.

My god, I've writen something that can only be described as one of the seven levels of hell in my time. I thought I'd share with you the worst four lines I've found so far.

'You're nothing but an extra in my script'
'So raise your glass and make a wish'
'If we were lying right now cheek to cheek'
'I'd wonder what smelt of fish'

Thank god we aren't famous.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found hitting Ctrl, Alt + Del

Hey peeps and Pipettes.

Sorry it has been a while since my last blog, but I have to be honest with you, I haven't exactly been feeling myself lately. I'll explain briefly why. A Female. Explanation complete.

In today's blog, I thought I'd explain to you a little about Aidan. Aidan is a guy who is an amazing friend, always there for you, always has a smile on his face, and would travel thousands of miles out of his way to help out a friend. And we as a band do whatever we can do to ridicule him. Just as the fantastic friends we are.

Let me explain.

We first met Aidan in a pub in August last year, and eventually after many months and many drinking sessions, we asked him to join the band as our media guy. He does all our videos, facebook stuff and pictures. And hes good at it. So why? I hear you asking dear readers. Why would you make fun of a guy who is basically like the second coming only much sorter and slightly blacker? Well it because he takes it so well. He deals with it in a way that none of us have ever seen.

So for your entertainment, below is a list of things we have said or done to make him the centre of attention in a completely bad way. P.s if you ever meet Aidan, feel free to join in, and I'll add it to the list:

1. Me and my girlfriend at the time convinced him that we had broken up because of his involvement with our relationship.
2. Me and Chopper convinced him that Chase the Season had split up, and that he wasn't needed anymore.
3. During a poker game, me and Nicky convinced him that Three of a kind doesn't beat a pair.
4. We constantly tell him to go back to his ex-girlfriend and reclaim the balls she stole from him.
5. We told him that it would be a really good idea to sleep with a girl who was stalking with him, to which he went and met up with her.
6. We told him that a girl he liked looks more like a man than he has, or ever will do.
7. He's half cast, so the Black jokes run freely. None of us are racist at all, in fact, he uses that joke more than we do, so go figure.
8. We are constantly telling him he cant come in shops with us, in case store security start following us.
9. The phrase 'Aidan: the guy with the age of a 19 year old, but the stature of a 12 year old' often makes an appearance.
10. The night before our first gig, we all stayed at my place, and we made him sleep on the only tiled bit of my room. He woke up with neck ache.
11. We once promised to get a girl to talk to him in the middle of a club. We however left out the size and shape of said girl.
12. We usually make his carry way more than any normal person should healthily carry in the form of musical instruments.

And these are just the recent happenings. There are more, but at half one in the morning, its all I can remember. Now, don't get us wrong readers (this is the disclaimer bit) we love Aidan, and he is very much a part of the band. And the only reason we do all this stuff is because he deals with it so well.

Also, in other news:

Valentines day is yet just another day, although me and Aaron did stand outside a restaurant earlier shouting at the couples having dinner, We finished writing a new song. Not really news I know, but usually guys write songs about girls, we wrote a song about Iwo Jima. (Check it on Google, you'll soon recognise it), I found myself randomly working the spotlight for a pantomime on the main show, a few days ago. I have never seen or worked on any part of a spotlight before, so that was interesting......I doubt they will ask me back to do it again, its a lot harder than it looks. You have to flick a switch on, move a light, then switch it off again? Don't know about you, but that's all a little too much for my intellect to understand.

So I'll leave you with my final thoughts on what has been a rather emotional couple of weeks (not making excuses for the lack of posts, just giving you a reason).

They say

'keep your friends close, but your enemies closer'

I have to say I disagree.

I say

'keep your friends close, and your enemies in a different continent if that's possible. Because if someone can take the smile away from your face for even a second, then they don't deserve to be anywhere near you. Just don't do anything stupid to your enemies, like kill them, cos then the police would ask you what you were thinking, then it would lead them to this post, and I'd have a whole bunch of paperwork to do, and I can't be arsed with the hassle'

It's probably not as catchy as the first one, but I think it could catch on.
If you said it really fast.