Bulletproof Dave can usually be found liking cock. If my Facebook page is anything to go by

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. So, my monthly blog hasn't really turned out that way. I think the last one was October 2010. So treating that fact like the insane itch on my joy department, we're going to ignore that fact and hope it goes away.

If any of you scary scary people who follow me (I'm looking at you Chris) have been on my Facebook profile, apart from the lack of any real interaction with people (seriously, I'm the worst person on a social network site. There is nothing social or network about my Facebook page) you'll notice some of my statuses (is that a real word? is a stati? fuck knows) have been a little strange over the last few months.

I'll copy and paste some examples:

"Just came all over a homeless guy. It was the best thing ive ever experienced ;P xox"

"Munching on some black cock. Epic saturday night! Xox"

"Looking forward to a night of bum sex...."

"Epic dinner.. MASSIVE JUICY COCK ;D xox"

Soooooooo. Can anyone see a pattern emerging here? I'm not sure I see one for myself. The attacks just appear so......random.
Oh, don't worry loyal readers. I know who's behind these attacks.



THE SUSPECT!
(Please note how
sinister she looks)










HERE SHE IS AGAIN!
(Note the clever use
of black and white to
blend into the background)






Yes, dear, dear readers, this is my girlfriend.

You see, I have a very annoying habit. it plagues me with every site that I sign up to. It's that little fucking box that promises ease of access by saving your password and username, so you don't have to type it in everytime.
Usually, this isn't a problem for most people. However, combine that with the habit of leaving my phone pretty much anywhere for long periods of time, and the fact that my girlfriend finds this act of "facebook-rape" highly amusing, and you can see that this happens on a regular basis.
Now, when I say that she finds this act highly amusing, I know alot of you are thinking, yeah, she probably giggles for a bit at my face when I find the afoementioned rape.
NOPE.
What the joker does, is rape my Facebook when I'm not in the room, usually using my phone, then leaves it in exactly the same place I put it, and then doesn't say anything. FOR A GOOD HOUR OR SO. You know, just enough time for plenty of people to find it and comment on it.
Then the sly little vixen will cuddle up to me, be all loving, and then whisper those immotal words:

"Love your Facebook status"

These 4 simple words are a substitute for:

"Everone thinks you're gay/kinky/homophobic/sick/mental/pervertish/etc"

Only then does the laughing start. And the thing is, is that she's gotten good at this. She knows how long I'm going to be out of the room, she knows when I least expect it, she even knows how long is best to leave it until she tells me!
She's like some kind of beautiful Facebook rape ninja.
And I'm not even sure how to act about that. A part of me is annoyed because I let it happen again and a part of me is a little turned on because of the sexy ninja part. It's a rollercoaster of emotion.

So there it is, a little insight into when I've been up to for the last 9 months. And by the way, please don't take this as me moaning about her in any way. I love her, and I love everything about her. She makes me laugh more than anyone else ever has. Plus she has epic breasts, but that's a story for another day.

"Complaining about the realism in Eastenders is like complaining that Monster Munch don't taste of Monsters"

P.s. I WILL keep up with this blog from now on. I promise. Sort of.