Bulletproof Dave can usually be found eating everything in his fridge

Not everyone can really say that they have their own time to reflect on their life. This includes me. It's only when I sit down to write this blog that I realise what stupid decisions I've taken in life to get to this point.
Somehow, I'm still alive. It's really quite astonishing.

So this time, I thought I'd speak about the people in my life who put up with the stupid things I do, and how fantastic they are to stick around, even though I'm a twat at times.

To put it into perspective, my brain doesn't work like normal people's. I work on the crisp packet to apocolypse theory. Basically, down to someone dropping a crisp packet on the floor, and through several strange thought processes, I end up thinkinking it's the end of the world.
I once told a guy who tried to piss in my letter box that I was part of an elite sniper squad and if he tried any shit like that again, then me and my buddies would "take him out"....... Yep, I'm a twat.

Ok, so, five people in my life right now who make a difference.

1. My Sister!
Known her for.......wait, how old is she? 18? 19? I don't really know, but I've known her that long. I'm a rubbish brother to her to be honest with you. The last 2 of her boyfriends left her because they couldn't deal with me being around. When I say me being around, I met each of them once. I had a huge arguement with one of them, and the other I made cry because I thought it was funny he was ginger. In fact, my exact words to him were, "you shouldn't even have a girlfriend, ginger people shouldn't be allowed to breed". So yeah, your move ginger! To which he promptly started crying and left my sister the next day. Open mouth, insert foot.

2. Chopper!
Chopper is the drummer for Chase the Season. He is a really really really really good mate. Always there for me when I need him. And......I'm always there to ignore his advice, and do the opposite of whatever he tells me to do. He's a big lad too, he could easily punch me out with one hit (Then again, so could elmo if, you know, he wasn't fictional). Every time he give me advice on what to do, I go the complete different direction. It's becoming a bit of a joke actually. In fact, I think I might start to listen to him. Mainly because my ex girlfriend (who I took back for a 4th time, even though Chopper told me not to) stole my ipod when I broke up with her.
So yeah, listen to your friends peeps, or your ipod might go missing. I miss my ipod :(

3. Theo
Twat. Twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, Bassist in Chase the Season, twat.
yet again, another person who I'm suprised hasn't laid me out yet. If you read my previous blog, I mentioned about him making a girl cry when he tried to insert parts of himself into parts of her. He really really really didnt want me to write about that. Especially not to publish it on the internet. But I did anyway. And his sister got hold of it (I had no part in giving her the link whatsoever, ok maybe a little bit) and she showed all her mates. It's unbelievable how fast news like that travels. Theo, for everything I've done, and everything I will do in the future, I'm sorry, but also proud of. :)

4. Marc RAMster
Marc is awesome. Full stop. He may be a little misguided, but his hearts in the right place. We argue every now and then, but one thing I always know with Marc is that the love will never fade. :) The only guy I've ever taken pictures of wearing just boxers and he's taken some of me. True story. Pictures on my Facebook profile pictures. Take a look, they rock.
The one thing about Marc is that even though he's slightly lost in life, his heart is in the right place. Always has been, and always will be.
Which is probably why he wants to hurt me lots. He sends me texts about it. I'm still not entirely sure if he hates me, or is coming on to me though.

5. Amy or Amy MARY (Whatever)
This girl only came into my life recently. I met her at a gig, right after coming off stage. She's one of Theo's mates. Her first words to me were. "You're a dick". And knew we would be mates for a long time. My usual day goes like this. Wake up to alarm, hit snooze, wake up to second alarm, hit snooze, wake up to Amy texting me. It's a good wake up routine. The only girl I know who openly calls me a cunt and hits me in public. It's a sweet relationship we have........

So yeah, so there's the big 5.
Guys, if you read this, I love you all, and thanks for putting up with my crap for all the time you've known me. It must be hard for you guys not to stamp on my face everytime I open my mouth :)
Translation: Please don't stamp on my face when I open my mouth. Thank you :)

You are all dicks though.


FINAL THOUGHT! ARGH!

I had an argument with someone once about the sounds that animals made. I said that Iguana's bark. She said that iguana's didn't.
Next time you see an iguana in a pet shop, or next time you're in Peru, Pick it up and drop kick it.

They definately bark.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found having a few months off........

Yeah, by the way, I'm not dead.

Just thought I should start with that one. And I've also not exactly been busy either. To be honest with you, and I've tried looking at this from several different angles, and every time I come to the conclusion, it's that I've just been lazy.
(I'm a man, we do this. It's why we're no good at valentines day)

So I'm guessing that you'd all like to know what I've been up to? No? Well fuck you, if you're here and you don't want to know, then quite frankly, I'm suprised you figured out how to turn the computer on.

Chase the Season (The band I'm in) had it's first ever official headlining Gig! (Yay) It was AWE........(wait for it).........SOME! I say awesome for the most part to be honest. If you don't count the first band stopping halfway through a song, most of the people who turned up spending most of their time in the smoking area, a fight breaking out, a girl throwing up (got the wrong side of a few drinks) or when the final band were playing, there being only six people (three of which are Chase the Season), it was a pretty spectacular night.
Also, on the news tonight in regards to Chase the Season, Theo, our bassist (17) lost his virginity recently! So Yay for that too! Apparently the girl ran off and cried in another room straight afterwards, but hey, they could be Theo's 'thing'! You know, Ron Jeremy, HUGE WANG, Dirk Diggler, BEST AT SEX EVER, Theo Crew, MAKES GIRLS CRY. It could work. Maybe.

Oh, and before I forget, couple of quick thank yous, as I didn't get to thank everyone on the night. Alice, Lottie, Imogen, Jessica, Kate, Phillipa, and the rest of the girls, Leafy, Dale, Chopper, Theo, etc (If I've missed anyone, I'm sorry. If your name is here, I, and Chase the Season love you very very much, and thank you for the support. :D

Girly bit done.

So time for the final thought. (If people haven't read this before, I blabber on for a few more lines about complete crap. It's a really good space filler)

Over the last few days, I've had to write up all of the band's lyrics into one book, as they are all on separate sheets of paper, randomly scattered thoughout my house, and I thought it would be much better to have them all in one place. Bearing in mind, I've been writing since I was 13, there are lots of peices of paper.

My god, I've writen something that can only be described as one of the seven levels of hell in my time. I thought I'd share with you the worst four lines I've found so far.

'You're nothing but an extra in my script'
'So raise your glass and make a wish'
'If we were lying right now cheek to cheek'
'I'd wonder what smelt of fish'

Thank god we aren't famous.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found hitting Ctrl, Alt + Del

Hey peeps and Pipettes.

Sorry it has been a while since my last blog, but I have to be honest with you, I haven't exactly been feeling myself lately. I'll explain briefly why. A Female. Explanation complete.

In today's blog, I thought I'd explain to you a little about Aidan. Aidan is a guy who is an amazing friend, always there for you, always has a smile on his face, and would travel thousands of miles out of his way to help out a friend. And we as a band do whatever we can do to ridicule him. Just as the fantastic friends we are.

Let me explain.

We first met Aidan in a pub in August last year, and eventually after many months and many drinking sessions, we asked him to join the band as our media guy. He does all our videos, facebook stuff and pictures. And hes good at it. So why? I hear you asking dear readers. Why would you make fun of a guy who is basically like the second coming only much sorter and slightly blacker? Well it because he takes it so well. He deals with it in a way that none of us have ever seen.

So for your entertainment, below is a list of things we have said or done to make him the centre of attention in a completely bad way. P.s if you ever meet Aidan, feel free to join in, and I'll add it to the list:

1. Me and my girlfriend at the time convinced him that we had broken up because of his involvement with our relationship.
2. Me and Chopper convinced him that Chase the Season had split up, and that he wasn't needed anymore.
3. During a poker game, me and Nicky convinced him that Three of a kind doesn't beat a pair.
4. We constantly tell him to go back to his ex-girlfriend and reclaim the balls she stole from him.
5. We told him that it would be a really good idea to sleep with a girl who was stalking with him, to which he went and met up with her.
6. We told him that a girl he liked looks more like a man than he has, or ever will do.
7. He's half cast, so the Black jokes run freely. None of us are racist at all, in fact, he uses that joke more than we do, so go figure.
8. We are constantly telling him he cant come in shops with us, in case store security start following us.
9. The phrase 'Aidan: the guy with the age of a 19 year old, but the stature of a 12 year old' often makes an appearance.
10. The night before our first gig, we all stayed at my place, and we made him sleep on the only tiled bit of my room. He woke up with neck ache.
11. We once promised to get a girl to talk to him in the middle of a club. We however left out the size and shape of said girl.
12. We usually make his carry way more than any normal person should healthily carry in the form of musical instruments.

And these are just the recent happenings. There are more, but at half one in the morning, its all I can remember. Now, don't get us wrong readers (this is the disclaimer bit) we love Aidan, and he is very much a part of the band. And the only reason we do all this stuff is because he deals with it so well.

Also, in other news:

Valentines day is yet just another day, although me and Aaron did stand outside a restaurant earlier shouting at the couples having dinner, We finished writing a new song. Not really news I know, but usually guys write songs about girls, we wrote a song about Iwo Jima. (Check it on Google, you'll soon recognise it), I found myself randomly working the spotlight for a pantomime on the main show, a few days ago. I have never seen or worked on any part of a spotlight before, so that was interesting......I doubt they will ask me back to do it again, its a lot harder than it looks. You have to flick a switch on, move a light, then switch it off again? Don't know about you, but that's all a little too much for my intellect to understand.

So I'll leave you with my final thoughts on what has been a rather emotional couple of weeks (not making excuses for the lack of posts, just giving you a reason).

They say

'keep your friends close, but your enemies closer'

I have to say I disagree.

I say

'keep your friends close, and your enemies in a different continent if that's possible. Because if someone can take the smile away from your face for even a second, then they don't deserve to be anywhere near you. Just don't do anything stupid to your enemies, like kill them, cos then the police would ask you what you were thinking, then it would lead them to this post, and I'd have a whole bunch of paperwork to do, and I can't be arsed with the hassle'

It's probably not as catchy as the first one, but I think it could catch on.
If you said it really fast.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found finding strange stuff in his pockets

Many times I find myself sitting here at my desk either looking at porn, chatting to people on the Internet, looking at porn, sorting out stuff for Chase The Season, or looking at porn.

Today, I decided to have a crack at setting up a Myspace page for the band. Seriously? did they decide to make the most difficult site on the planet and turn it into a failing social network site? I'm actually quite proud of myself. I managed to waste a whole hour and a half failing to put the band logo at the top of the page before I threw the LCD screen onto the floor. So yeah, go me.

So as you probably read in my last blog, it was a friends birthday at the weekend, which we celebrated. Twice. I'm still not entirely sure why we celebrated the same occasion twice, maybe he won a second birthday in a Daily Mail competition or something. But then again, the friend in question is more likely to be found reading the Beano rather than the Daily Mail.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, managed to find my way home on Saturday, when I say managed, I mean it in the sense that I never know how I find my way home after a night out, but still I wake up fully clothed in my own bed each time. This time when I woke, and fumbled for the squashed pack of cigarettes in my jeans pocket, instead of pulling out some nicotine sticks, I remove a pack of Viagra.

Strange thing to pick out of the pocket of a healthy 22 year old male I hear you say? How about the fact that one of the pills was missing? Yep. I giggled at the concept of me and the guys dancing around with massive erections in the middle of the club too......

So the other thing I should tell you is about the second birthday party. I shall do this in the medium of a list.
Beer, Cigarettes, N Dubz, The first ever band picture of the four guys from Chase the Season together, A hilariously strange girl called Emma, Cigarette burn to the finger, Arguments, Pint glasses broken by a falling signature board, Fun with a guy called 'Scrambled', Police turning up, Lesbians complaining about the noise, A girl throwing up at half ten when the party started at nine, A bleeding finger, The Fantastic Four, Aaron getting hit on by a 4 foot girl, The new year's Eve spanking stick making a re-appearance, Sex, People walking in on Sex, Hamsters (Not to be confused with sex) and an 8 person pile up on a 2 seater sofa.

Sometimes I sit back and think about the certain decisions I took in life that led me to this point in time. Then I crack open a beer, put my feet up, smile, and toast to the bad (and sometimes painful) choices that are giving me the best years of my life.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found bumping into old friends........and foes

This week has been a strange one to say the least. When I say strange, its been so strange that to give it the right effect, you should probably say it in a stupid voice, while playing with yourself. That would pretty much sum it up.

So, after the New Years party fiasco, I decide to quieten down a bit, so that I can recharge the jaded and faded things I like to call my batteries. Even I realised that I would be kidding myself.

(by the way, as a note to readers, I love hanging out with the people I care about, they are usually strange and wonderful people that blow my mind. And so as to make myself perfectly clear to everyone, I shall be marking each paragraph with:

'Love it' - This isn't just Awesome. This is M&S Awesome

'Don't love it' - A bit like getting vinegar in your eye. Enough said.

So....Lets begin

During one lunch time break, while walking through the centre of what I have learnt the local council call a town, where the local (rat) kids saying hello to a foreign tourist with a random volley of punches and kicks, I bump into a girl called Felicity (her name isn't actually Felicity, but to protect identity, she will be played by an actor and her voice will be changed). Now something you should know about Felicity. She was my girlfriend when I was a shy and retiring 17 year old geek, controlled by hormones and acne cream. We had an awesome relationship at the time, and eventually breaking up while she was away at university. (I really don't do distance well) and this was two years ago. Since then, neither of us have seen or heard from each other. So we decide that we should catch up on old times and hang out together one day this week.
(Love it so much I want to rub myself against it)

Out of 7 Days: 6 Now Available

So when I get home that night, I find that an old friend of mine, (I'd make up a name for her, but I'm really not feeling imaginative right now) have left me a message saying that she is back in town, and we should meet for a drink or two with some friends. I thought, having not seen her in a while, it would be good times. Little did I remember about my 'free days' situation, or just how much alcohol it takes to enjoy this person's company.
(Don't love it, it stings in the sensitive areas)

Out of 7 Days: 5 Now available

Next morning, my good friend and fellow band member, Aaron, reminds me that we have still yet to book the practice. Now usually we book it at the end of each previous one, so we get the best rooms. We had failed to do this last week, as I managed to get distracted by shiny and interesting things outside. The trouble is, that as soon as the guys heard that I had spotted something shiny, they all followed me to investigate too. It turns out that the 'shiny thing' was a lamppost light reflected in a puddle. I swear, we are all retards sometimes. I'm surprised we know which way round our instruments go, let alone how they make sounds. So after several second of fierce debate on the phone with Aaron, band practice is booked.
(Love it. Chilling with the guys doing what I love, Perfection)

Out of 7 Days: 4 Now available

I saw Nicky today, who apart from looking smug with his beautiful face, reminded me that a friend of ours has a birthday this weekend, and we are going out to celebrate.
Twice. Please don't ask me why twice, Nicky finds it easier to concentrate when things are a nice round even number I guess.
(Love it - Party!, Don't Love it - Why Twice?)

Out of 7 Days: 2 Now available

So, two days left, and one of those, I have spent half the night, writing this to an audience which I'm convinced only exists in my head. It's a massive audience, don't get me wrong, but still, if I'm completely honest with myself, it's 99% imaginary.

So before I sign off, I will explain something strange which happened to me today.
While walking through town, a homeless guy asks me if I have any spare change. The following is the exact conversation:

'Got any Spare change mate?'
Me checking my pockets even though I know for a fact I don't
'Sorry mate, can't help you. I've got a spare cigarette though'
'What?'
'Would you like this spare cigarette?'
I hold out a cigarette from the packet I just bought with my spare change
'Nah mate, its a disgusting habit'

Since when did a homeless person obtain better morals than me?

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found in pain. Lots of it.

So, down to the first proper blog of the situations of my life. And what better situation to write about than New Years Eve?

Now, most people's New Years Eve comprises of a few drinks with friends and family, maybe getting a little bit tipsy and passing out in front of the BBC New Years Eve countdown, with a bottle of beer in their hand.

As the title suggests, mine ended up being slightly painful.

The guys from Chase the Season were there, and other than that, I had no idea who anybody else was. There were lots and lots of emos, I know that much. Even down to at one point I swear I was having a full blown conversation with one of them about suicide. That sure won't be a conversation I will forgot soon, mainly due to the fact that this guy knew so many means and ways, I could have sworn that he had either practiced, or was death in disguise. He just happened to be disguised as an 18 year old emo.

So the usual thing for a free-thinking single guy for me to do at New Years Eve is find a like-minded young lady, and proceed to try and cop off with her. Two words: Epic Fail. (strangely I woke up this morning with those two words written on my chest in permanent marker).

So Nicky has this great girlfriend called Charlotte. So he was sorted for the 'kiss at countdown'. Chopper told me at some point throughout the evening that he had been promised a kiss from a girl called Rebecca, and Aaron, the sly, posh dog he is had met a lovely (although extremely young) girl called Mollie. Now, I only realised her name was Mollie, because she had written her name on my left peck in permanent marker.

So midnight comes, and everyone is kissing their respective girls. And what about little old me? I kissed a 20 year old guy called Johnny. I refer you to my previous point of: Epic Fail.

So following drinking several things, some of which I swear are used in an industrial capacity, several of us getting our bodies completely covered in strange and dirty words and phrases in marker pen (one of which I remember was 'I Heart Anal') Chopper decides to drink his weight in Carlsberg. Now Chopper isn't exactly fat, but he has a bit of weight behind him. The equivalent weight in alcohol would kill a medium sized animal (probably a dog). So Chopper is now upstairs, hanging bare-arsed out of a window, throwing his internal organs up. However, still swearing that he is fine and that I should ignore him and continue the party.

Next, I see Charlotte, Nicky's Girlfriend, with her hands covered in blood. I didn't want to know what had happened, but she told me anyway. It turns out that Nicky being how he is, he had managed to cut his foot open on a broken Budweiser bottle. This cut is now bleeding constantly, and is not showing any signs of stopping. Judging from the fact that the carpet now has red Nicky-sized footprints all over it, where he has not noticed or ignored it, and carried on dancing.

So my New Years Eve consisted of looking after Chopper who at one point turned green, looking after Nicky, who refused to get medical attention, because apparently having that much alcohol in your system is a reason to carry on because it doesn't hurt, and watching Aaron kissing a young girl called Mollie who has a tendency to write her name (and several other strange things) on people's bodies in permanent Marker.

Sometimes, I love my life. Other times, I only pretend. But I'm always smiling, because I wouldn't have it any other way.