Bulletproof Dave can usually be found finding strange stuff in his pockets

Many times I find myself sitting here at my desk either looking at porn, chatting to people on the Internet, looking at porn, sorting out stuff for Chase The Season, or looking at porn.

Today, I decided to have a crack at setting up a Myspace page for the band. Seriously? did they decide to make the most difficult site on the planet and turn it into a failing social network site? I'm actually quite proud of myself. I managed to waste a whole hour and a half failing to put the band logo at the top of the page before I threw the LCD screen onto the floor. So yeah, go me.

So as you probably read in my last blog, it was a friends birthday at the weekend, which we celebrated. Twice. I'm still not entirely sure why we celebrated the same occasion twice, maybe he won a second birthday in a Daily Mail competition or something. But then again, the friend in question is more likely to be found reading the Beano rather than the Daily Mail.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, managed to find my way home on Saturday, when I say managed, I mean it in the sense that I never know how I find my way home after a night out, but still I wake up fully clothed in my own bed each time. This time when I woke, and fumbled for the squashed pack of cigarettes in my jeans pocket, instead of pulling out some nicotine sticks, I remove a pack of Viagra.

Strange thing to pick out of the pocket of a healthy 22 year old male I hear you say? How about the fact that one of the pills was missing? Yep. I giggled at the concept of me and the guys dancing around with massive erections in the middle of the club too......

So the other thing I should tell you is about the second birthday party. I shall do this in the medium of a list.
Beer, Cigarettes, N Dubz, The first ever band picture of the four guys from Chase the Season together, A hilariously strange girl called Emma, Cigarette burn to the finger, Arguments, Pint glasses broken by a falling signature board, Fun with a guy called 'Scrambled', Police turning up, Lesbians complaining about the noise, A girl throwing up at half ten when the party started at nine, A bleeding finger, The Fantastic Four, Aaron getting hit on by a 4 foot girl, The new year's Eve spanking stick making a re-appearance, Sex, People walking in on Sex, Hamsters (Not to be confused with sex) and an 8 person pile up on a 2 seater sofa.

Sometimes I sit back and think about the certain decisions I took in life that led me to this point in time. Then I crack open a beer, put my feet up, smile, and toast to the bad (and sometimes painful) choices that are giving me the best years of my life.

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found bumping into old friends........and foes

This week has been a strange one to say the least. When I say strange, its been so strange that to give it the right effect, you should probably say it in a stupid voice, while playing with yourself. That would pretty much sum it up.

So, after the New Years party fiasco, I decide to quieten down a bit, so that I can recharge the jaded and faded things I like to call my batteries. Even I realised that I would be kidding myself.

(by the way, as a note to readers, I love hanging out with the people I care about, they are usually strange and wonderful people that blow my mind. And so as to make myself perfectly clear to everyone, I shall be marking each paragraph with:

'Love it' - This isn't just Awesome. This is M&S Awesome

'Don't love it' - A bit like getting vinegar in your eye. Enough said.

So....Lets begin

During one lunch time break, while walking through the centre of what I have learnt the local council call a town, where the local (rat) kids saying hello to a foreign tourist with a random volley of punches and kicks, I bump into a girl called Felicity (her name isn't actually Felicity, but to protect identity, she will be played by an actor and her voice will be changed). Now something you should know about Felicity. She was my girlfriend when I was a shy and retiring 17 year old geek, controlled by hormones and acne cream. We had an awesome relationship at the time, and eventually breaking up while she was away at university. (I really don't do distance well) and this was two years ago. Since then, neither of us have seen or heard from each other. So we decide that we should catch up on old times and hang out together one day this week.
(Love it so much I want to rub myself against it)

Out of 7 Days: 6 Now Available

So when I get home that night, I find that an old friend of mine, (I'd make up a name for her, but I'm really not feeling imaginative right now) have left me a message saying that she is back in town, and we should meet for a drink or two with some friends. I thought, having not seen her in a while, it would be good times. Little did I remember about my 'free days' situation, or just how much alcohol it takes to enjoy this person's company.
(Don't love it, it stings in the sensitive areas)

Out of 7 Days: 5 Now available

Next morning, my good friend and fellow band member, Aaron, reminds me that we have still yet to book the practice. Now usually we book it at the end of each previous one, so we get the best rooms. We had failed to do this last week, as I managed to get distracted by shiny and interesting things outside. The trouble is, that as soon as the guys heard that I had spotted something shiny, they all followed me to investigate too. It turns out that the 'shiny thing' was a lamppost light reflected in a puddle. I swear, we are all retards sometimes. I'm surprised we know which way round our instruments go, let alone how they make sounds. So after several second of fierce debate on the phone with Aaron, band practice is booked.
(Love it. Chilling with the guys doing what I love, Perfection)

Out of 7 Days: 4 Now available

I saw Nicky today, who apart from looking smug with his beautiful face, reminded me that a friend of ours has a birthday this weekend, and we are going out to celebrate.
Twice. Please don't ask me why twice, Nicky finds it easier to concentrate when things are a nice round even number I guess.
(Love it - Party!, Don't Love it - Why Twice?)

Out of 7 Days: 2 Now available

So, two days left, and one of those, I have spent half the night, writing this to an audience which I'm convinced only exists in my head. It's a massive audience, don't get me wrong, but still, if I'm completely honest with myself, it's 99% imaginary.

So before I sign off, I will explain something strange which happened to me today.
While walking through town, a homeless guy asks me if I have any spare change. The following is the exact conversation:

'Got any Spare change mate?'
Me checking my pockets even though I know for a fact I don't
'Sorry mate, can't help you. I've got a spare cigarette though'
'What?'
'Would you like this spare cigarette?'
I hold out a cigarette from the packet I just bought with my spare change
'Nah mate, its a disgusting habit'

Since when did a homeless person obtain better morals than me?

Bulletproof Dave can usually be found in pain. Lots of it.

So, down to the first proper blog of the situations of my life. And what better situation to write about than New Years Eve?

Now, most people's New Years Eve comprises of a few drinks with friends and family, maybe getting a little bit tipsy and passing out in front of the BBC New Years Eve countdown, with a bottle of beer in their hand.

As the title suggests, mine ended up being slightly painful.

The guys from Chase the Season were there, and other than that, I had no idea who anybody else was. There were lots and lots of emos, I know that much. Even down to at one point I swear I was having a full blown conversation with one of them about suicide. That sure won't be a conversation I will forgot soon, mainly due to the fact that this guy knew so many means and ways, I could have sworn that he had either practiced, or was death in disguise. He just happened to be disguised as an 18 year old emo.

So the usual thing for a free-thinking single guy for me to do at New Years Eve is find a like-minded young lady, and proceed to try and cop off with her. Two words: Epic Fail. (strangely I woke up this morning with those two words written on my chest in permanent marker).

So Nicky has this great girlfriend called Charlotte. So he was sorted for the 'kiss at countdown'. Chopper told me at some point throughout the evening that he had been promised a kiss from a girl called Rebecca, and Aaron, the sly, posh dog he is had met a lovely (although extremely young) girl called Mollie. Now, I only realised her name was Mollie, because she had written her name on my left peck in permanent marker.

So midnight comes, and everyone is kissing their respective girls. And what about little old me? I kissed a 20 year old guy called Johnny. I refer you to my previous point of: Epic Fail.

So following drinking several things, some of which I swear are used in an industrial capacity, several of us getting our bodies completely covered in strange and dirty words and phrases in marker pen (one of which I remember was 'I Heart Anal') Chopper decides to drink his weight in Carlsberg. Now Chopper isn't exactly fat, but he has a bit of weight behind him. The equivalent weight in alcohol would kill a medium sized animal (probably a dog). So Chopper is now upstairs, hanging bare-arsed out of a window, throwing his internal organs up. However, still swearing that he is fine and that I should ignore him and continue the party.

Next, I see Charlotte, Nicky's Girlfriend, with her hands covered in blood. I didn't want to know what had happened, but she told me anyway. It turns out that Nicky being how he is, he had managed to cut his foot open on a broken Budweiser bottle. This cut is now bleeding constantly, and is not showing any signs of stopping. Judging from the fact that the carpet now has red Nicky-sized footprints all over it, where he has not noticed or ignored it, and carried on dancing.

So my New Years Eve consisted of looking after Chopper who at one point turned green, looking after Nicky, who refused to get medical attention, because apparently having that much alcohol in your system is a reason to carry on because it doesn't hurt, and watching Aaron kissing a young girl called Mollie who has a tendency to write her name (and several other strange things) on people's bodies in permanent Marker.

Sometimes, I love my life. Other times, I only pretend. But I'm always smiling, because I wouldn't have it any other way.